Arcticulates ®
Focusing on Alaska's Beauty
Author: K. Fields
~ ~ Alaskan Jokes ~ ~
Ice Fishing!
An old Alaskan Sourdough, a little tipsy from sipping homemade
fireweed wine. Decided that this would be a great time to go ice fishing. So
he gathered up all his fishing gear, his fishing pole and
ice-auger, and went in search of some ice.
He found a great spot, and proceeds to use his auger to drill
a hole in the ice, looking forward to some fresh
fish for dinner.
As he slowly drills the hole he hears a loud voice say
"YOU
WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE".
He stopped what he was doing, staggers a little as he looks
around, shrugs and goes back to work on the ice hole
The voice booms again
"YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE"
This time the drunken sourdough drops his auger, stands at
attention the best he can, and looks up and says:
"God? Is that you God?"
And the voice answers
"No! I am not God!"
The tipsy sourdough staggers a little and reaches down for the
auger and yells
"IFFEN YOUSE NOT GOD... THEN WHO THE
DEVIL YOU ARE... TELLIN ME NO FISHIN
I KNOW MY RIGHTS!!!...
The voice interrupts the sourdough's drunken rant saying:
"I AM THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK"
Jokester: Unknown
You Know You're From Alaska When...
You look forward to winter driving, because the snow fills and smooths out the frost heaves and pot-holes..
Sexy lingerie is fleece socks and long-johns and a cute knit cap.
You think nothing of taking your kids trick or treating in a blizzard, and their costumes fit over a snowsuit.
Everyone has hundreds of recipes for moose meat.
You owe more money on your snowmobile/four-wheeler/dog-sled than your house.
The Snow blower gets stuck on the roof… again.
The most effective mosquito repellant in Alaska that works is a shotgun.
You find -30'F a just a tad chilly.
Your back porch doubles as a deep freezer.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl your deck.
Moose hunting season is a state holiday!
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewels, and bunny boots.
At least twice a year the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
You know the four seasons as: winter, still winter, almost
winter, and road construction.
A collection from a bunch of Alaskans
Don't Mess With A Musher's Dog Team!
One night a musher, who had spent many days on the trail, pulled into a
small town that liked to tease strangers, which he was.
Seeking refreshment, he entered the town's tavern and ordered a beer.
Finishing his beer, he exited the tavern only to discover that his entire dog team was missing.
He turned and walked back into the tavern and pulled a shotgun out from under his large coat.
He tossed it into the air and caught it above his head firing a shot into the ceiling,
"I'm gonna have me another beer" he announced in a low stern voice.
"And when I'm done with it... I'm going back outside and I had better see my dog team returned. If it isn't... I am going to do what I had to do in Misvik, and believe me, I don't like to do what I had to do in Misvik."
A few of the locals shuffled nervously in their seats as the stranger returned to the bar and ordered another beer and drank it as slowly and calmly as the first one.
After finishing his beer, he left the tavern again, this time to find his team back where it originally was.
Before he mushed off into the darkness, the bartender came outside and asked him "Before you go, stranger, tell me - what did you have to do in Misvik?"
The Dog Musher's Reply:
"I had to walk home."
Joke by Douglas J. Gates
The Bear Hunters?
Two Cheechakos (rookie- newcomer) decided to go to Alaska and hunt Bear! After they were flown in and dropped off at a lone cabin deep in the
tundra wilderness, a light snow started falling.
One of the Cheechakos grew restless and decided to go outside and see if he could find a bear to shoot, while the other stayed in the cabin to cook up a meal for the both of them.
The Cheechako hunter, feeling a bit chilled, spied a huge grizzly bear not far from the cabin, the bear was at least four times bigger then he ever imagined possible.
Shivering in the cold, he pictured himself eating hot, tasty bear stew from a huge cooking pot, so the unskilled hunter decided to sneak up on the grizzly bear.
Quaking in his brand new hiking/hunting boots, he lifted his trembling rifle... and shot the bear... slightly wounding it's ear.
The huge grizzly more startled then injured, charged while snarling and growling angrily, towards the inept hunter.
The fool-hardy hunter froze for a second... then not knowing that you can't outrun a bear, dropped his rifle and ran as fast as he was able towards the cabin, yelling at the top of his lungs to his friend inside the cabin to
"OPEN THE DOOR!! OPEN THE DOOR!"
His Cheechako friend opened the door and looked out to see what all the commotion was, just in time to see his hunting buddy trip and fell flat at the door step,causing the huge bear running right on his heels, to trip over his buddy and roll right through the cabin door.
The fallen Cheechako quickly jumped up, grabbed the open door and slammed it shut, trapping the huge grizzly in the cabin with his friend, while yelling excitedly...
"YOU HURRY UP AND SKIN THIS ONE! WHILE I GO GET ANOTHER ONE!"
Jokester Unknown
Moose Hunters!
Two ole' Alaskan Sourdough (old timer) hunters decided to go on their annual moose hunt.
They hired a pilot to take them deep into the far north tundra wilderness and drop them off.
They had a successful hunt, each bagging a huge full antlered moose bull.
As per the arrangement the pilot came back to pick them up.
The pilot took one look at the huge moose and told the sourdoughs, we will have to leave one behind... too much weight.
The Sourdoughs argued with the pilot.. That can't be...Last year we had the same plane model and capacity and the pilot had no problem getting our moose on the plane.
The pilot finally gave in and loaded up the moose and hunters.
The plane took off and not too long into the flight, as predicted by the pilot the plane started to experience trouble and eventually crash-landed in the wilderness.
The two Sourdoughs climbed out of the wreckage... and looked around. One asked "Do you have any idea where we are?" The other answered...
"Sure, it looks like the same place we landed last year!"
Jokester Unknown
It's So Cold That...
I saw an icicle wearing earmuffs
He dropped a bottle of milk and pound of sugar and when he picked it up it was ice cream
It took me two hours to walk one block... my shadow kept freezing to the sidewalk!
I had to drill through ice just to get coffee out of my cup!
The autobody shop is doing a booming business, repairing damage from iceberg collisions!
You could cut your breath, square it off and use the blocks to build igloos!
My shadow froze to the ground and when I took a step it snapped right off!
There is frozen flames in the wood stove!
When I turned on the shower... I got hail!
His mustache shattered when he smiled!
We had to kick a hole in the air!
Words froze in the air, if you wanted to hear them, you will have to grab a handful and take them near the fire.
Collection from many Alaskan's
Sourdough Firefighters!
One night out in rural Alaska, a fire started inside the local fuel plant. Before
long, it exploded into flames, and an alarm went out to the local volunteer fire department.
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the fuel company president approached a fireman and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the
vault in the center of the plant. I will give your department $50,000 if you can bring me the plans!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered another fire engine, pronto.
All that was left was a backup reserve group of firefighters over at the station situated way up on top of a hill five miles away.
When the phone call came in from the dispatcher, the ol' sourdough firefighters, none younger than 65 years old, were playing poker,
smoking cigars, and talking about the old pioneer gold mining days way back when. They all rushed into their gear, meandered over to their old
beat-up fire truck, and drove down the hill toward the blaze at the fuel plant.
The little fire engine raced smack dab into a crowd of people, including a television news crew, running over fire hoses, just missing
firefighters and equipment, and stopping right in the middle of the blazing inferno.
In the distance the other firemen watched as the old sourdoughs hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had
never seen before.
After 15 minutes of intense firefighting, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
Joyous, the fuel company president announced to the news crew that he would double the reward to $100,000 and walked over to personally thank each
of the old sourdoughs. After thanking them individually, the news crew interviewed the men and asked what they intended to do with the 100 grand.
The fire truck driver looked straight into the camera and said,
"The first thing we're gonna do is fix them dang brakes on that truck!"
By Steve Fields
A Very Cold Winter!
Two Cheechakos (new to Alaska) were wondering if it was gonna be a cold winter, so they decided to ask the old Sourdough (long time Alaskan)
what he thought about it.
Not really knowing an answer, the Sourdough replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the Cheechakos should collect wood to be prepared<
Then the old Sourdough snuck off to call the National Weather Service and ask "Is this winter gonna be cold?"
The highly trained weather tech responded. with "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed!"
So now...armed with confidence... the old Sourdough went back to tell the Cheechakos to collect even more wood to be prepared
for a cold winter.
Then a week later he snuck off again to call the National Weather Service and asked again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes!" The highly trained weather tech replied "it's going to be a very cold winter."
So the old Sourdough saunters back to the Cheechakos and warns them that they had better go and gather every piece of scrap wood that they can
to be prepared for the coming severely cold winter season.
Then a few days later the old Sourdough feeling a little nervous himself about the winter cold... decides to call the National Weather Service again to ask them "Are you absolutely sure that this winter is gonna be extremely cold?"
"Absolutely!" The highly trained weather tech replies "Even the Cheechakos are collecting wood this year..."
Jokester Unknown
Let It Snow!
November
6:00 PM -- It started to snow. The first snow of the season and hubby and I took our hot chocolate and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
fluffy flakes gently drift down. So romantic!! I love snow!
Then we woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a
fantastic sight! It isn’t possible to live in a lovelier place in the whole world. I’m so happy we moved to Alaska!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a kid again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalk. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalk and
closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a great way to get exercise.
December
I am so sad that the sun has melted all the lovely snow. I was looking forward to shoveling again. My neighbor told me "Don't worry; we'll definitely have lots more snow".
Old Sourdough (long-time Alaskan) says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again... I just don't think that's possible.
January
Snow beautiful snow! Ten more inches of the lovely stuff last night. The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything so pretty and sparkly. The arctic wind took my breath away, but I warmed up quickly by shoveling the driveway and sidewalk. This is
the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’m imagining the great figure I will have
from all this bending and heavy lifting.
Twenty more inches of snow forecasted. We are stocking up on firewood looking forward to sitting by the warm fire watching the beautiful snowfall from our picture window!
February
There was a huge ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hubby laughed himself sick till he fell trying to help me get up...
February 12
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Can you believe it fourteen more inches of that stinkin’ white stuff last night! More shoveling!!! Took all day!! Stupid snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called
the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out, said they might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Sourdough says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
February 15
-30 and thirteen more inches fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, used the bathroom and
dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Sourdough who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think he is lying.
February 17th
Only two inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. Feeling a sense of relief... That winter has finally snowed itself out!
February 18th
23... Freakin'...inches!!!! Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch the driver of that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow and… I just know he hides around the corner and
waits for me to finish... and then he comes plowing down the street at 100 miles an hour and dumps a ton of snow where I've just shoveled!
February 19th
Twenty more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in! The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I HATE THE SNOW!
Then to top it off... the snowplow driver came by ASKING FOR A DONATION and hubby prevented me from chasing him with my broken
shovel. Snowplow driver suggested I needed an attitude check… I suggested to snowplow driver that...
February 21st
Still snowed in... Why the heck did we ever move to Alaska? I also noticed today that the fireplace seems to be taking up way to much room...
February 22nd
Temperature dropped to -40 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 36 hours of waiting for him, he only charged us $1400 to replace the pipe that broke.
Told hubby that I think the water leaks have caused the house to shrink because I am feeling crowded. Hubby suggests maybe WE need to go on a
diet! I suggested to Hubby that...
February 23rd
Warmed up to above -20, still snowed in. I can almost see through the ice build-up on the picture window!!!
February 24th
Sigh! Ten
more inches!! Sourdough says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
I think he is showing signs of what some call Cabin Fever!
February 27th
16 more inches… Roof caved in. Had to shovel the driveway so the roof repair crew can get in. The snow plow driver didn’t
wait for me to finish this time, and had the audacity to wave as he buried me in snow… 13 more inches predicted.
February 28th
Packing!
Jokester Unknown
Alaska's so Cold That!
You have to carry around hammers and chisels so you can get out of your parka.
People have swirly marks all over their faces from getting too close to those electric stove elements!
Hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs!
We had to go break the smoke off the chimney
I had two feet of ice in my bed... Mine!
We put the meat in the freezer to defrost
We saw a dog stuck to the fire hydrant!
The fire on our candles froze!<
The Polar Bears are heading South!
Starbucks is serving coffee on a stick!
A recent poll in town indicated that 92% of the inhabitants no longer considered global warming a bad thing!
From a Collection of Sourdoughs (long time Alaskans)!<
Say What?
An Alaskan Wildlife Ranger was making rounds in a remote part of a heavily wooded
reserve when he came across an old, thin, gaunt, dirty sourdough (long time Alaskan), hunched over a make-shift campfire and to the Ranger's horror, he was eating
a fish and a Bald Eagle. The sourdough was arrested on the spot and thrown in jail. He was soon brought to trial for his crime...
The Judge asked the sourdough "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a Federal offense?"
"Yes I do." replied the sourdough, "but if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
"You may proceed." Replied the Judge
"I got lost in the woods, and hadn't had anything real to eat for two weeks," the sourdough explained. "I was so hungry; I was eating
plants to stay alive. Next thing... I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake grabbing some fish. I thought 'if I startled the Eagle I
could maybe steal the fish.' Then low and behold, the Eagle perched on a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the Eagle hoping he
would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the Eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it.
I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it
rot on the ground."
The Judge decided to take a recess to analyze the defendant's testimony. 15 minutes goes by and the Judge returns: "Due to the
extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."
The Sourdough nods and thanks the Judge for his fairness!
The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a Bald Eagle tastes like?"
"Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe is it’s a bit tenderer than Polar Bear but lacks the tang of Sea Otter."
By someone with a sad... sad... sense of humor!
See : Here Moosey Moosey!
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